DEAL FOR MELO TO INCLUDE NOAH?

ESPN is reporting that the Chicago Bulls are "discussing" whether to include Joakim Noah in a deal for Carmelo Anthony. I'll make this easy for them: DO IT.

If it's one thing I know about today's NBA, it's that wing players win titles. The last team to win it all without a player 6'5"-6'8" who could virtually score at will was the anamolous 2004 Pistons (champs include Kobe Bryant, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Dwyane Wade, and Michael Jordan). Before that, it was Hakeem's Rockets of 1995. And here's the key: Joakim Noah is not The Dream. He's closer to a mirage than a dream.

I understand he sets the tone for the Bulls. He's intense, high-energy, and aggressive. But he also averages 10 points and 10 rebounds. So if you can package a just-barely double-double guy for arguably the best scorer in the NBA, you have to do it. Give Denver whoever else they would want to make it work (outside of Boozer). 

All I know is that if someone has the potential to make me and my darlings in Miami a little nervous, it's the trio of Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony, and Carlos Boozer flanked by Kyle Korver, Ronnie Brewer, and whatever bigs they can scrap up to anchor the defense. They could replace Noah's energy with Lou Amundson. They could take a page out of the Heat's playbook and build with role-playing vets who have very specialized skill sets. There are still some intriguing free agents out there.

I like Noah a lot. There literally is not a player in the NBA like him. But I like Carmelo Anthony more. I don't even like Anthony as much as a winner, but as a player with the ability to impact the championship race (which, I don't care what anyone says, is a two-horser), he's clearly the better option. Sure people are currently liking the Bulls roster and how dangerous they can be, but anyone who picks them as a contender is just trying to be cute. Carmelo Anthony has the potential to bring you what Noah can't. End of discussion.

The 2010 Free Agents Summit

Somewere in Las Vegas, NV, 8:30pm

They said it wouldn't happen, but it did. And I got the official transcript. Here is the word-for-word account of the free agent summit that supposedly would never take place.

LeBron James: Ok, the official 2010 Free Agency Summit is now called to order.

Dwyane Wade: [COUGH COUGH COUGH] You really gotta do the chalk thing every time, LB?

LBJ: My bad, homie. Can you take role?

DWade: Yeah. My wife? Star Jones? Gabrielle Union?

LBJ: Whoa, whoa, wrong list, Flash.

DWade: Oh, oh, yeah, I see. Ahem. Chris Bosh?

Chris Bosh: Here.

DWade: Where?

Bosh: Here!

LBJ: He’s in my pocket. Been there since their season was over.

DWade: Oh….um…aight. Joe Johnson?

Joe Johnson: President.

LBJ: What?

DWade: Don’t…Joe’s a lil…slow.

Joe: Nuh-huh. I play point guard suhtime.

[Pause]

DWade: You know know, nobody say nothing. I’ll respond if I see you. Amare? Check. Boozer? Check. Dirk? Half-check. Ok, everybody’s here.

Ray Allen: Ray Allen, check.

LBJ: Ummm Ray, how’d you get in here without us hearing your knees? You don’t belong here.

Ray: Everybody in the room who’s ever hit 8 threes in an NBA Finals game, please raise your hand. Oh, wait, whose ONE hand is in the air? Is that MINE? The one with the RING? Looks like there’s only one of us who REALLY belongs here.

DWade: I got one, too. I just want another one.

LBJ: I think that’s why we’re all here.

Amare: Not me. I came close this year, but that doesn’t matter. I’m tired of competing. I want fame and fortune and a max contract. 

Carlos Boozer: You know you only got one knee, right?

Joe: And four eyes.

Amare: I don’t care! I’M A MAX PLAYER! WATCH! AH! AND 1!

Dirk Nowitzki: That wasn’t even a foul.

DWade: Fellas, fellas, fellas. We’re here to discuss destinations. With that said, I would like to point out that Miami is the hottest beach city in the country. Post-game is on South Beach and the women…maaaan, the women.

LBJ: Star Jones?

Boozer: What about the hurricanes?

Joe: Ummm Carlos, I think D is talking about NBA teams, not college.

[PAUSE]

Amare: I want to come to Miami, DWade.

DWade: Ummm, Boozer…the hurricanes aren’t that bad. The hurricane season is usually after the playoffs.

Bosh: What are playoffs?

DWade: It’s what you’ll play in every year if you join me in Miami!

Bosh: I’ll go if LeBron does.

LBJ: I don’t even know why you’re here, Booz. Whatever decision we come to, you’ll just change your mind later, anyway.

Ray: What about Chicago? Anybody want to continue Jordan’s legacy? They can afford two of us…

Dirk: But which two?

LBJ: DWade, it’s your hometown.

DWade: And Cleveland is yours.

LBJ: Point taken. How about New York?

Boozer: Nah, Mike D’Antoni doesn’t like me. Says I rebound too much.

Joe: He like me…my friends just told me I didn’t want to play in Phoenix no mo. They told me I wanted to play in Atlanta so I wouldn’t win as much and they could party at da Magic City. I went dur. Can yall believe there wasn’t a single magician?! I was pissed.

Amare: He’s cool with me, too. Told me I didn’t have to play defense or rebound.

Dirk: That’s not gonna win you anything, trust me. Hold on, my attorney is calling. My new girlfriend was just on America’s Most Wanted.

DWade: So Amare, you can go to New York. Joe you can join him, and it’ll be like that 2004 Suns team.

Dirk: Without Steve Nash.

DWade: Like I said, it’ll be nothing like that 2004 Suns team. Booz, Dirk and…Ray…we got Chicago and New Jersey and of course MIAMI.

Dirk: To be honest guys, I just came for the slut machines.

LBJ: You mean slot.

Dirk: What?! Fuckin English, this shit is confusing.

DWade: Bosh, come to Miami, man…it’s sunny. Since you cut your hair you don’t look like an Avatar got raped by the Predator so the women will love you.

Bosh: I want to play with Bronbron!

DWade: Dude, you a grown ass man in another nigga’s pocket. Y’all the same age!

Bosh: I know, but he LOOKS 45. He could easily pass for my coach.

Ray: I’m a witness.

Boozer: First hand.

LBJ: Fuck y’all. I’m going to play for Hov.

Boozer: I can get with that. But I think Utah might want to keep me.

Ray: You know Jersey isn’t in Manhattan, right?

Joe: It’s close, tho. We can hang out together. You been to Chuck E Cheese?

LBJ: I think I could play with Devin Harris, the big Lopez, and Bosh. That’s a SQUAD.

DWade: But it’s still Jersey. Some places just aren’t made to win. Y’all will put those uniforms on and all of a sudden everybody will start playing like Michael Beasley.

LBJ: Ouch, D…that was low.

DWade: Hey, it’s not a secret. But I do have a confession. Bron, Bosh…I had an injunction placed on both of you. Neither of you is ever allowed in New Jersey, Cleveland, Chicago, or New York again. You’re both coming to Miami.

LBJ: What? How did that happen?

DWade: I had Star draw it up after we had just—

Ray: Whoa! Stop right there. I don't want to hear about who's in your Fave 5. Those commercials are getting terrible, by the way. So I guess I’m gonna stay in Boston. Get old. Have to wear goggles and a knee brace every game…no offense, Stat.

Joe: Stat can play offense. I seent it.

LBJ: So that’s it? Me, DWade, and Bosh to Miami, Boozer back to Utah, Dirk never left, Ray stays in Boston, and Joe and Amare reunite in New York. So nobody’s going to Chicago or New Jersey? Damn, that sucks for them. DWade, let’s go work on some nicknames…

Ray: How about “none of us can shoot so it’s not going to work?” Or “Can we play with two balls?”

Joe: Pause.

LBJ: Ok, well...let’s go, fellas. And remember, we all have to pretend like we have no idea where we’re going. That’s how you get the good money.

DWade: Then, Bron, you might want to take Chris out your pocket. And let go of my hand.

LBJ: Oh, aight...sidekick.

DWade: Wait a minute...

LBJ: Meeting adjourned.

Arizona Passes Law Banning Ethnic Studies Courses

Dear Arizona Governor Jan Brewer,

I was writing you a critical letter about the bill you just signed prohibiting ethnic studies courses in Arizona public schools. I danced around racism, threw in some alliterations, even made a Mein Kampf reference, but no matter what I wrote, I still wasn’t conveying what I really felt. I couldn’t wrap enough reason in it. There was an infinite amount of logic (something that apparently can’t be found in the Arizona government). But I was really making a simple thing complicated.

Arizona bans ethnic studies...Seriously. >

I love my mother…sent her a Mother’s Day card and made sure to call. She’s a great woman. Looks amazing in red. Like, flamenco dancer red. I have two sisters. Love them to death, also. Even though none of them ever specifically taught me this lesson, my innate respect for women has stricken the b word from my vocabulary. Well, in most forms.

I still say that some ideas, concepts, or inanimate objects are, or can be, a “b” word. I still use it as a verb. One can “b” or be accused of “b”-ing.  I’ve been “b”ed at, and had days that were really a “b”. I’ve made a pun by using the “b” word in its true meaning, referring to a female canine species. But I’ll be doggone if I’ve never used it in reference to a policitian and his or her administration. With that, I say with all sincerity, honesty, truth, disdain, disrespect and condescension. Jan,

YOU'RE A BITCH.

Puta. Perra. Estupida.  Ignorante. The worst kind.

Yours Truly,

Me

P.S. Barack, can you believe this bitch? Not teaching ethnic studies?! Is she eyeing the Republican VP nomination in 2012? She makes your jumper look good.

Stay Tuned...

I know that the Phoenix Suns wore their "Los Suns" jerseys in protest. I have an opinion on that, too. It's coming soon.

Arizona Law Isn't Pointless, just un-"reasonable"

Dear President Obama,

I know you still running form that good ol’ southern a**-whoopin I’d give you on the court. You sneaked into and out of L.A. and never told me anything. That was a b***h move, Barack. But that’s not the issue right now. Been to Arizona lately? To just read my new opinion, jump down to the red bold "That's".

Man, it’s some stuff going on there, isn’t it? These people have passed a law that reads:

For any “lawful contact” made by law enforcement officials [what the hell does that mean? If there is a police officer involved, doesn’t that make it lawful? The only unlawful contact I can think of, R. Kelly got off. Pun intended…give me some credit here] “where a reasonable suspicion exists that a person is an alien” [what’s “reasonable”? The governor says that’s at the officer’s discretion…more on that later] “a reasonable attempt shall be made, when practicable, to determine the immigration status of the person.” [there’s that word “reasonable” again].

So many conservatives can’t understand why people are up in arms. Liberals are jumping too far to the left and thinking that Mexicans are about to start being jailed for not having two forms of identification. Both sides are wrong, but that should be okay because neither of them completely approves of the job you’re doing—which tells me you’re probably doing it right.

When looking solely at the letter of the law, the flaw is its gray area. I don’t know what qualifies as “lawful contact.” If I’m walking my imaginary dog and strike up a conversation with a passing officer…that’s lawful, right? If I don’t strike up a conversation, will I create “reasonable suspicion”?

When a television reporter asked Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to define “reasonable suspicion,” she passed on the opportunity, citing that that’s up to the officers on the street, saying they make decisions like that every day. That, she’s right about. Now let’s look at their track record.

In 2008, the ACLU of Arizona released the results of two years of research on the Arizona Department of Public Safety and racial profiling. The results, titled “Driving While Black or Brown”, concluded:

African Americans and Hispanics stopped by DPS officers were more likely than whites to be searched on major highways
 
On average, Native Americans stopped by DPS officers were 3.25 times more likely to be searched than whites stopped by DPS officers. African Americans and Hispanics were each 2.5 times more likely than whites to be searched by DPS.

Higher search rates for minorities were not justified by higher rates of transporting contraband.

Minorities, including African Americans, Hispanics and Middle Easterners, were consistently stopped for longer periods of time than whites traveling on all interstate highways in Arizona.

In sum, this report concludes that DPS officers treated persons from different racial and ethnic groups unequally between July 2006 and June 2007. Minorities were more likely than whites to be searched and stopped for longer periods of time. This unequal treatment was not justified by higher contraband seizure rates from minority motorists.

These are the results of a study on the same officers who will be using “reasonable suspicion” as a reason to ask someone to furnish proof of legal presence. Somehow, I just don’t trust it. And I don’t trust them to make a “reasonable attempt” to determine immigration status anymore than I trust that officers in the Rodney King beating used “reasonable force”.

Leaving police to decide what is “reasonable” will lead to injustice. Even if 95% of police officers are completely great people armed with nothing more than badges, halos and good intentions, seeking to protect the people, all it takes is that remaining 5% to make legal U.S. residents, citizens and visitors feel unequal or uncomfortable.

That’s the letter of the law. The spirit of the law has purpose. Illegal immigration is a problem for the southwestern states and there needs to be an effort to secure our borders. That’s where you come in, Chief. But that’s not the end of your role.

Immigration regulation and enforcement is a responsibility of the federal government, not a state right. I’ve seen that you have called for your administration to find a way to block the Arizona law. Thanks. But they shouldn’t have to look long. There’s your loophole. If this goes to the Supreme Court, the state of Arizona will lose. If immigration regulation was a state right, imagine the chaos it would create.

If Arizona keeps and enacts this law, what does that mean for the neighboring states of Nevada, California, New Mexico and even Texas? More immigrants — both legal and illegal. That would force those states to consider similar regulations or face substantial strains on their local governments, economies, and populations. That’s not fair to those states. So the federal government (that’s you) has to step in and make things level again which, in this case, clearly means killing the new law.

I sympathize with every Mexican American in Arizona. I wouldn’t want to be the test subject when one antiquated cop takes my presence as an opportunity to establish his definition of the term “reasonable.”

So the ball’s in your court, Air Force None. Shut ‘em down. Wait, if you can’t do that to me on the court, I’m sure you couldn’t do it to a whole state.

In order to maintain order in the Southwest and protect the rights and quality of life of individuals who have come to this country legally to build a better life, or were born within these borders just like you or I, do to the Arizona government one of the things you do best:

Smoke ‘em, Barack.

NBA Playoff Team SWOT Analyses - Western Conference

In marketing, we do a SWOT Analysis to forecast a company's near future and build a strategy around it. By identifying its Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats, you can use the results to inform an effective marketing plan. So instead of predicting series winner (even though you can tell who I'm picking if you read through), I'm going to analyze each playoff team from a marketing perspective.

Los Angeles Lakers
Strengths: Roster, Home court advantage

The Los Angeles Lakers have the deepest, most talented roster in the NBA. Even without Andrew Bynum, no other team can put more talent and experience on the floor at once than L.A. Any team that wants to win the West will have to win at least one game in Staples Center, where the Lakers padded their record at the beginning of the season.

Weaknesses: Backcourt speed and defense

The Lakers inability to stay in front of smaller, quicker guards has been exposed more than Greg Oden, George Hill and Dorell Wright’s penises combined. Russell Westbrook is that type of guard. And Kevin Durant is too long and quick for an aging Artest.

Opportunities: Seeds 2-7 all have bigger question marks

But these are still the Lakers. The World Champion Lakers. With Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant, and Lamar Odom. With Phil Jackson on the bench and banners hanging from the sky. And no other team in the West has shown to be strong in more categories than these Lakers. Everyone has a weakness, but they seem to have the fewest. And in a season where having the healthiest team may matter more than having the best team, the Lakers have the depth to plug a lot of holes.

Threats: No fire…they better have an “on” switch, Tough road to title
The Lakers’ toughest opponent will always be themselves. Sometimes they just don’t seem interested. You would be hard pressed to find a team that won a championship after finishing their season 4-6. No other Western Conference playoff team finished worse than 6-4 (of course they all had something to play for). They were the third best team in the conference after the All-star break. It’s believed that when the Lakers are on, no one can beat them. Someone in the Staples Center better find that on switch, and quick. They'll have to go through Utah or Denver if there are no upsets...and both of those teams like to bruise and ugly the game up.

Dallas Mavericks
Strengths: Depth, versatility

The Mavericks are a Swiss Army team. They have every ingredient somewhere on their bench. Unfortunately, they can’t combine two or three players into one and shorten their rotation. They’ve played well and dealing Josh Howard was the right move.

Weaknesses: Chemistry still developing

The trade that brought Brendan Haywood and Caron Butler was a brilliant move. The only thing that could have made it better is if it had been completed before Halloween. When you watch the Mavs, you still see that players are learning on the fly. The good news is that they haven’t peaked yet. The bad news is there’s not much time to find out. They get the Spurs in Round 1, who have a similar issue, but more winning pedigree.

Opportunities: Lakers don’t look unbeatable

The Lakers look like they might be willing to give it away to the best team willing to take it. The champs are vulnerable. 

Threats: Will Dirk show the killer instinct
Dirk has cemented himself in the Hall of Really Really Good. But he hasn’t proven to be great yet. He hasn’t grabbed a team and pulled them. If he has to do that…if he has to duel Kobe Bryant or Carmelo Anthony or Steve Nash, will he step up and do it?

Phoenix Suns
Strengths: Scoring, The Dark Side
The Suns are the Suns. They’re 110 points per game is tops in the league, and the are the best shooting team in basketball. Their offensive efficiency puts a lot of pressure on their opponents to score every time down. They don’t run like they used to, but they can still short-circuit a scoreboard. They’ve been the best team after the All-star break and their new-found bench, nicknamed The Dark Side, has its own identity and has allowed Nash to stay as fresh as he’s ever been. His minutes per game are the lowest they’ve since the ’99-’00 season — his second year in Dallas.

Weaknesses: No go-to guy

The Suns don’t revolve around a player—they revolve around a play. The Nash/Stoudemire pick-and-roll is the most devastating combination in pro basketball. Stoudemire can roll or pop and Nash can shoot, dish or drive. It takes three players to defend it properly, which leaves someone open and Nash with the ball. Sounds great, but the playoffs often revolve around isolations; clearing out and letting your guy create his shot or react to the defense and create one for someone else. The Suns don’t have that, and that’s a problem.

Opportunities: No Roy, Easiest 1st round opponent

The Suns have the easiest first round west of the Mississippi. With Brandon Roy out, the Blazers are lame ducks. Watching them play against the Suns will be like watching Jim Zorn coach against…well, anyone.

Threats: Robin Lopez injury
 Part of the reason for the Suns turnaround after a mid-season slump was the return of Robin Lopez and Gentry’s decision to start him. The Suns rebounding improved along with their interior defense. Lopez will probably give it a go at some point, but if he’s not at least 75%, this isn’t the Suns team that rolled through the second half; but it’s close.

Denver Nuggets

Strengths: Chauncey Billups and Carmelo Anthony

Chauncey Billups should be the runner-up MVP every year he’s in Denver: LeBron, and then the Puff Daddy lookalike. Without Billups, the Nuggets are a bunch of misfits and lame-brains – the great Carmelo Anthony included. Melo is unstoppable. He’ll always give you a chance to win.

Weaknesses: Missing Marcus Camby and inside scoring

The Nuggets haven’t made up for saying good-bye to Marcus Camby. He’s not an inside scorer, but he’s a shotblocker. They’re missing both. Carmelo is their post game and Billups is their perimeter. Sounds good in theory, but that could leave them watching basketball in May.

Opportunities: Laker knowledge, Jazz Edge

The Nuggets played the Lakers in last season’s playoffs. And played them well until Lamar Odom decided he wanted to play in the NBA again. They know the Lakers as well as anyone, so may be able to give them the best battle. They were 3-1 against Utah this season, so there appears to be an edge there.

Threat: The health of George Karl

George Karl is a great coach. His presence on the bench will show late in games. In football, if a team gets blown out, they were outcoached. If they lose a close one, they were outplayed. Basketball is the exact opposite. If the Nuggets get in a close game, they will get outcoached if Karl isn’t holding the markerboard. I wish him well...some things are definitely more important than the playoffs.

Utah Jazz
Strengths: Deron Williams, Coaching

The best point guard in the NBA may be in Utah again. I can’t say that with conviction, but I can say it without getting laughed at. He’s that good and the same can be said of his coach Jerry Sloan. As long as they are both there, the Jazz will be a formidable opponent.

Weaknesses: Kirilenko’s health, no legitimate shooting guard

Name a great point guard who has won an NBA title in the past 10 seasons. Again, I’ll wait. A great point guard is a luxury, not a necessity. In this game, you need a shooting guard or a small forward that can create his own shot. The Jazz lack that. And even if AK-47 is available, he’s not that. But he’s pretty good.

Opportunities: Great home court

The Jazz don’t have home court advantage, but Utah is a tough place to play, so they could hold serve, especially considering the Nuggets’ road mark reads more like a year than the record of a top-4 seed (19-22).

Threats: Boozer’s health

Boozer may play, but that won’t make him right. That’s 20 and 10 that they need to be able to count on. I think the Jazz are a watered down Suns team. A great point guard and power forward combo with niche-filling big men and role-playing wings. But there’s a big drop-off from Jason Richardson and Grant Hill to C.J. Miles and Wesley Matthews. I was surprised to find out his middle name isn’t “Who?”. Google him.

Portland Trailblazers

Strengths: Versatility

They have some good players who can do some good things.

Weaknesses: All over the place

Without Roy, this is like the Jackson 4. Were it a concert, I’d want my money back. Were it a Broadway show, I’d find out the understudy is Jerryd Bayless and still ask for my money back.

Opportunities: Unpredictable, Bayless coming out party?

No one knows what kind of team the Blazers are going to turn into without Brandon Roy around. That could work to their advantage. There’s no film of them. Their sets have to be different. And if Jerryd Bayless wanted an opportunity, this is it. Steve Blake is gone and Roy is out. Forget Martell Webster. If someone is going to make a difference and take step to a career-defining moment, it has to be Bayless.

Threat: Basketball

Everything is a threat when your holes are so big LenDale White could run through them.

San Antonio Spurs

Strengths: Veteran Leadership and coaching, strong finish

I don’t like the Spurs. That’s just being honest. But they do have the veteran presence to win a series that they’re not favored to win.

Weaknesses: Chemistry

Richard Jefferson still hasn’t found a way to become consistently effective alongside Tony Parker. He flourished while Parker was out, but hasn’t shown he can sustain that production when the ball is with Mr. Longoria and not Manu Ginobili. Don’t be surprised if Popovich decides to bring him off the bench or only start him as a symbolic gesture and opt to always play him with Manu.

Opportunities: Familiar foe

The Spurs are familiar with their in-state foes. Familiarity breeds contempt, right? Well, these two teams are too nice for contempt, but familiarity can breed competition. I think that will hold true.

Threats: The brutal west

San Antonio is equipped to mentally make out, but I just don’t think they have the tools to beat 3 teams in this conference.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Strengths: Kevin Durant, speed, athleticism

Durant is good. No one remembers that he could barely benchpress 185lbs. in pre-draft workouts. All we recall from this season is nets swishing. The Thunder have speed to burn. They get from end-to-end faster than any full roster in the league. They don’t use it the same way that, say, Don Nelson would.

Weaknesses: Inexperience, No more surprises, Shooting

OKC doesn’t shoot the ball incredibly well. They also don’t assist well. These are symptoms of a young team. The ball sticks and they can iso a little more than what’s healthy for a winning team. Their offense is middle-of-the-pack, so they rely on defense and Kevin Durant, and unlike early in the season, everyone knows that.

Opportunities: Playing questionable Lakers

The Lakers’ Threat is Okie’s opportunity. If the Lakers are lethargic or unmotivated, Oklahoma could steal one. They may be too young to know they aren’t supposed to have a chance.

Threats: Youth, Laker “on” switch

Or they may be too young to realize how different the playoffs are. The Thunder has played this regular season like the Cavs have played the past two – like every game is a playoff game. You’ll outplay a lot of teams like that…until after tax day. If the Lakers flip the playoff switch, the Thunder will be out like lightening. 

NBA Playoff Team SWOT Analyses - Eastern Conference

In marketing, we do a SWOT Analysis to forecast a company's near future and build a strategy around it. By identifying its Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats, you can use the results to inform an effective marketing plan. So instead of predicting series winner (even though you can tell who I'm picking if you read through), I'm going to analyze each playoff team from a marketing perspective.

Cleveland Cavaliers
Strengths: The Best Player in the World, Health
LeBron James in the best player on the planet. There is no second place. When he’s aggressive, which he almost always is, he makes his team the favorite every time they take the floor. They have their full arsenal and Shaq could actually sit until then need him to push Dwight Howard around a bit.

Weaknesses: Slow and aging big men
Shaq and Ziggy would make a great name of a Saturday morning cartoon, but if a team can get them in sprinting situations, the Cavs will be leaning on Varejo quite a bit.

Opportunities: Home court advantage throughout
It all goes through Cleveland as long as they’re alive.

Threats: The Chicago Bulls, Orlando Magic
The Bulls won’t beat Cleveland. But they are a young, energetic, physical team that can annoy the Cavs long enough to delay their next series. And if they get past the conference semis, they should face the Orlando Magic—who they haven’t proven they can beat. They split with them this season, but there was only one game where both teams were at full strength. The Magic won 101-95 in Orlando.

Orlando Magic
Strengths: Dwight Howard, Ability to score, Depth
Dwight Howard is a beast inside. He allows the perimeter defenders to be aggressive and grabs every rebounder that comes close to him. The Magic can fill it up from behind the arc and have a variety of looks to throw at any team.

Weaknesses: Dwight Howard, Ability to score, Depth
Dwight Howard can’t dominate a game just by throwing it into him and reacting to the defense. He’s limited in the post, which is why Orlando can’t lean on him late in games. They will, however, lean on the 3-ball…which can desert you at any time. Their depth is weird. Van Gundy seems to have weapons, but which one to use at what point in the game still isn’t clear.

Opportunities: Easier road to Finals
The Magic get the Bobcats. I just don’t like Charlotte. The last time I thought they were good, they have Grandmama and were called the Hornets. If all favored teams advance, Orlando gets the Hawks, who I just don’t think are as good as Boston and Joe Johnson isn’t automatically worth 1 win like Dwyane Wade is. The only time they beat Orlando was on a freak play – a game-winning tip dunk in Atlanta. 

Threats: Cleveland Cavaliers, Vince Carter
The Magic are confident they can beat Cleveland, but can’t be convinced. Not since the addition of Jamison. Vince Carter gives Orlando something that almost championship team has had since 1994: a wing player who can score almost at will (the Pistons being the lone exception). Why is he a threat and not a strength? He has to show he can be that guy under playoff lights because Dwight Howard won’t be the one to close out games.

Atlanta Hawks
Strengths: Athleticism, Experienced Youth
The Hawks have athletes. They have speed. They have youth. They have veteran leadership.

Weaknesses: Still doesn’t look like a contender, missing a piece
What they don’t have is an identity. I don’t know what they’re missing, but it’s something.

Opportunities: Playing Bucks without Andrew Bogut
The luckiest team in the playoffs. Playing Milwaukee without Bogut is like getting into an argument with a Nothing to see here, folks.

Threats: Home court advantage doesn’t matter in an empty building
I don’t think the Bucks have a chance without the Aussie. If Atlanta played any other playoff team, I’d pick the other team. The Hawks play in a library 30-35 times a year. Will that change in the playoffs?

Boston Celtics
Strengths: Experience
They’ve been there, done that, seen it all. They know playoff basketball and when the game is on the line Paul Pierce should still make you worry if you’re not wearing green.

Weaknesses: Age, Inconsistency
How many times can I say “old”? That’s led to health issues and what seems like no nights when all of the old guys were playing well at the same time.

Opportunities: They still have some mental edge
They’re old, but they still have some mystique about them. You just have this feeling that, at any point, the old guys can flip a switch and they’ll think it’s 2004.

Threats: Rajon Rondo becoming their best player
If Rondo becomes the Celtics MVP, they’re doomed. He’s often praised for his growth and development, but I think it comes at the detriment of his team. And he’s be afforded the opportunity by their declining stars. If Rondo becomes 1 or 1A, you have to 86 Boston from the conversation.

Miami Heat
Strengths: Dwyane Wade, Road Warriors
This just in: Dwyane Wade is great. He’s worth at least one playoff win. The Heat also excel on the road, where their 23-18 record was only one game worse than their 24-14 record at the Michelin Man arena. Playing in Boston shouldn’t be too tough, but they haven’t beat the Celtics this season.

Weaknesses: No clear second-best player
Michael Beasley? Jermaine O’Neal? Quentin Richardson? It’s like a triumvirate of mediocrity. I could argue that Carlos Arroyo is the second-most important player on the roster, but it would take a lot of Stellas for me to even think the conversation is worth an argument.

Opportunities: May get to dismiss aging Celtics
The Heat are 9-1 in their last 10. The Celtics are 3-7. There are only two times momentum is important: when you’re in a recalled Toyota you haven’t had fixed yet, and sports. The Celtics, as a team, are ripe for the dismantling. If they lose in the first round, you have to tear it down.

Threats: Coaching
I don’t trust Erik Spoelstra to make the right in-game adjustments. Doc Rivers isn’t exactly Greg Popovich or Jerry Sloan, but he has a ring.

Milwaukee Bucks
Strengths: Defense

The Bucks have the 7th best defense in the league and Scott Skiles gets the most out of his players.

Weaknesses: 2 of 3 best players are out and the last is a rookie

Name 5 Milwaukee Bucks. Go ahead, I'll wait. If you can, I'm sorry that you're stuck living in Minneapolis. If you can't, welcome to the majority. Brandon Jennings is going into his first playoff series with John Salmons as his best teammate. Without the Aussie, the Bucks lack punch. They'll fold quickly.

Opportunities: Drew lesser of top teams

If there is a chance, it rests on the fact that they're facing the Atlanta Hawks. Every season has one series that no one wants to watch. If you're looking for this season's...whoop, here it is. I just aged myself. On to the next one...(that was redeeming, right?)

Threats: On the road again

The Bucks were 28-13 at home. Playing at the Bradley Center would have helped. Then again, having a peaking, skilled 7-footer in the mix would have helped, too. As would having a marksman with a hair-trigger release, but Michael Redd hasn't played since Barack Obama had a mini-fro.  Speaking of which...

Charlotte Bobcats
Strengths: Defense
Charlotte holds their opponents to 93.8 points per game, tops in the league. In the playoffs, that’s worth something.

Weaknesses: No superstar
Thumb through the Bobcats pre-game program and the first superstar you find will be on the ownership page. And it’s the only superstar you’ll find. They’re basically a college team – a lot of rented parts and a marquee coach responsible for putting them together.

Opportunities: Larry Brown, Won in Orlando
Larry Brown, as much as I detest watching his teams play, can coach basketball. I would seriously rather watch a Charles Barkley/Martha Stewart sex tape than watch a Brown-coached team. Brownball was good enough to win a game in Orlando this season, so they know they can steal one. I just don’t expect them to.

Threats: Stephen Jackson combustible
If they have a star, and I don’t think they do, but if they do, it’s Stephen Jackson. I’m biased. I think he’s one of the true thugs in the NBA. Knuckleheads don’t lead successful teams. That’s why Chauncey Billups changed the Denver Nuggets. SJax could implode at any moment.

Chicago Bulls
Strengths: Derrick Rose, Play hard
Rose is a star. He’s the next Chauncey Billups, but better. With Noah and Brad Miller in the frontcourt, the Bulls can be a brutal match-up. They’ll always play tough, hard-nosed basketball which makes them a nightmare for a team so favored to win the title. The Cavs should just want to get out of this series in one piece.

Weaknesses: Same old storyline
The above description could have been used for any of the Bulls teams the past three seasons. The fact is, they’ve never proven to be anything more than a slight scare.

Opportunities: Playoffs started a week ago
Chicago is the only team that had to play its way into the postseason. Every game was basically a must-win, so their locker room has had a playoff atmosphere for at least a week. The Cavs have rested and now have to flip a switch. The Bulls’ switch has been on since April Fool’s.

Threats: Off-the-court drama
Del Negro vs. Paxson. The Throwdown in Chi-town. The Windy City Rumble. Couldn’t they have settled it with a three-point shootout? Just get mad and say “shoot for it”. That’s the way we handle it in the hood, unless Tyrell is there…he fights. But Tyrell doesn’t lead a young team. The story about the skirmish between coach and GM couldn’t have broken at a worse time. With some focus, it won’t matter. But it will linger.