Somewere in Las Vegas, NV, 8:30pm
They said it wouldn't happen, but it did. And I got the official transcript. Here is the word-for-word account of the free agent summit that supposedly would never take place.
LeBron James: Ok, the official 2010 Free Agency Summit is now called to order.
Dwyane Wade: [COUGH COUGH COUGH] You really gotta do the chalk thing every time, LB?
LBJ: My bad, homie. Can you take role?
DWade: Yeah. My wife? Star Jones? Gabrielle Union?
LBJ: Whoa, whoa, wrong list, Flash.
DWade: Oh, oh, yeah, I see. Ahem. Chris Bosh?
Chris Bosh: Here.
DWade: Where?
Bosh: Here!
LBJ: He’s in my pocket. Been there since their season was over.
DWade: Oh….um…aight. Joe Johnson?
Joe Johnson: President.
LBJ: What?
DWade: Don’t…Joe’s a lil…slow.
Joe: Nuh-huh. I play point guard suhtime.
[Pause]
DWade: You know know, nobody say nothing. I’ll respond if I see you. Amare? Check. Boozer? Check. Dirk? Half-check. Ok, everybody’s here.
Ray Allen: Ray Allen, check.
LBJ: Ummm Ray, how’d you get in here without us hearing your knees? You don’t belong here.
Ray: Everybody in the room who’s ever hit 8 threes in an NBA Finals game, please raise your hand. Oh, wait, whose ONE hand is in the air? Is that MINE? The one with the RING? Looks like there’s only one of us who REALLY belongs here.
DWade: I got one, too. I just want another one.
LBJ: I think that’s why we’re all here.
Amare: Not me. I came close this year, but that doesn’t matter. I’m tired of competing. I want fame and fortune and a max contract.
Carlos Boozer: You know you only got one knee, right?
Joe: And four eyes.
Amare: I don’t care! I’M A MAX PLAYER! WATCH! AH! AND 1!
Dirk Nowitzki: That wasn’t even a foul.
DWade: Fellas, fellas, fellas. We’re here to discuss destinations. With that said, I would like to point out that Miami is the hottest beach city in the country. Post-game is on South Beach and the women…maaaan, the women.
LBJ: Star Jones?
Boozer: What about the hurricanes?
Joe: Ummm Carlos, I think D is talking about NBA teams, not college.
[PAUSE]
Amare: I want to come to Miami, DWade.
DWade: Ummm, Boozer…the hurricanes aren’t that bad. The hurricane season is usually after the playoffs.
Bosh: What are playoffs?
DWade: It’s what you’ll play in every year if you join me in Miami!
Bosh: I’ll go if LeBron does.
LBJ: I don’t even know why you’re here, Booz. Whatever decision we come to, you’ll just change your mind later, anyway.
Ray: What about Chicago? Anybody want to continue Jordan’s legacy? They can afford two of us…
Dirk: But which two?
LBJ: DWade, it’s your hometown.
DWade: And Cleveland is yours.
LBJ: Point taken. How about New York?
Boozer: Nah, Mike D’Antoni doesn’t like me. Says I rebound too much.
Joe: He like me…my friends just told me I didn’t want to play in Phoenix no mo. They told me I wanted to play in Atlanta so I wouldn’t win as much and they could party at da Magic City. I went dur. Can yall believe there wasn’t a single magician?! I was pissed.
Amare: He’s cool with me, too. Told me I didn’t have to play defense or rebound.
Dirk: That’s not gonna win you anything, trust me. Hold on, my attorney is calling. My new girlfriend was just on America’s Most Wanted.
DWade: So Amare, you can go to New York. Joe you can join him, and it’ll be like that 2004 Suns team.
Dirk: Without Steve Nash.
DWade: Like I said, it’ll be nothing like that 2004 Suns team. Booz, Dirk and…Ray…we got Chicago and New Jersey and of course MIAMI.
Dirk: To be honest guys, I just came for the slut machines.
LBJ: You mean slot.
Dirk: What?! Fuckin English, this shit is confusing.
DWade: Bosh, come to Miami, man…it’s sunny. Since you cut your hair you don’t look like an Avatar got raped by the Predator so the women will love you.
Bosh: I want to play with Bronbron!
DWade: Dude, you a grown ass man in another nigga’s pocket. Y’all the same age!
Bosh: I know, but he LOOKS 45. He could easily pass for my coach.
Ray: I’m a witness.
Boozer: First hand.
LBJ: Fuck y’all. I’m going to play for Hov.
Boozer: I can get with that. But I think Utah might want to keep me.
Ray: You know Jersey isn’t in Manhattan, right?
Joe: It’s close, tho. We can hang out together. You been to Chuck E Cheese?
LBJ: I think I could play with Devin Harris, the big Lopez, and Bosh. That’s a SQUAD.
DWade: But it’s still Jersey. Some places just aren’t made to win. Y’all will put those uniforms on and all of a sudden everybody will start playing like Michael Beasley.
LBJ: Ouch, D…that was low.
DWade: Hey, it’s not a secret. But I do have a confession. Bron, Bosh…I had an injunction placed on both of you. Neither of you is ever allowed in New Jersey, Cleveland, Chicago, or New York again. You’re both coming to Miami.
LBJ: What? How did that happen?
DWade: I had Star draw it up after we had just—
Ray: Whoa! Stop right there. I don't want to hear about who's in your Fave 5. Those commercials are getting terrible, by the way. So I guess I’m gonna stay in Boston. Get old. Have to wear goggles and a knee brace every game…no offense, Stat.
Joe: Stat can play offense. I seent it.
LBJ: So that’s it? Me, DWade, and Bosh to Miami, Boozer back to Utah, Dirk never left, Ray stays in Boston, and Joe and Amare reunite in New York. So nobody’s going to Chicago or New Jersey? Damn, that sucks for them. DWade, let’s go work on some nicknames…
Ray: How about “none of us can shoot so it’s not going to work?” Or “Can we play with two balls?”
Joe: Pause.
LBJ: Ok, well...let’s go, fellas. And remember, we all have to pretend like we have no idea where we’re going. That’s how you get the good money.
DWade: Then, Bron, you might want to take Chris out your pocket. And let go of my hand.
LBJ: Oh, aight...sidekick.
DWade: Wait a minute...
LBJ: Meeting adjourned.
