NBA Playoff Team SWOT Analyses - Western Conference

In marketing, we do a SWOT Analysis to forecast a company's near future and build a strategy around it. By identifying its Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats, you can use the results to inform an effective marketing plan. So instead of predicting series winner (even though you can tell who I'm picking if you read through), I'm going to analyze each playoff team from a marketing perspective.

Los Angeles Lakers
Strengths: Roster, Home court advantage

The Los Angeles Lakers have the deepest, most talented roster in the NBA. Even without Andrew Bynum, no other team can put more talent and experience on the floor at once than L.A. Any team that wants to win the West will have to win at least one game in Staples Center, where the Lakers padded their record at the beginning of the season.

Weaknesses: Backcourt speed and defense

The Lakers inability to stay in front of smaller, quicker guards has been exposed more than Greg Oden, George Hill and Dorell Wright’s penises combined. Russell Westbrook is that type of guard. And Kevin Durant is too long and quick for an aging Artest.

Opportunities: Seeds 2-7 all have bigger question marks

But these are still the Lakers. The World Champion Lakers. With Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant, and Lamar Odom. With Phil Jackson on the bench and banners hanging from the sky. And no other team in the West has shown to be strong in more categories than these Lakers. Everyone has a weakness, but they seem to have the fewest. And in a season where having the healthiest team may matter more than having the best team, the Lakers have the depth to plug a lot of holes.

Threats: No fire…they better have an “on” switch, Tough road to title
The Lakers’ toughest opponent will always be themselves. Sometimes they just don’t seem interested. You would be hard pressed to find a team that won a championship after finishing their season 4-6. No other Western Conference playoff team finished worse than 6-4 (of course they all had something to play for). They were the third best team in the conference after the All-star break. It’s believed that when the Lakers are on, no one can beat them. Someone in the Staples Center better find that on switch, and quick. They'll have to go through Utah or Denver if there are no upsets...and both of those teams like to bruise and ugly the game up.

Dallas Mavericks
Strengths: Depth, versatility

The Mavericks are a Swiss Army team. They have every ingredient somewhere on their bench. Unfortunately, they can’t combine two or three players into one and shorten their rotation. They’ve played well and dealing Josh Howard was the right move.

Weaknesses: Chemistry still developing

The trade that brought Brendan Haywood and Caron Butler was a brilliant move. The only thing that could have made it better is if it had been completed before Halloween. When you watch the Mavs, you still see that players are learning on the fly. The good news is that they haven’t peaked yet. The bad news is there’s not much time to find out. They get the Spurs in Round 1, who have a similar issue, but more winning pedigree.

Opportunities: Lakers don’t look unbeatable

The Lakers look like they might be willing to give it away to the best team willing to take it. The champs are vulnerable. 

Threats: Will Dirk show the killer instinct
Dirk has cemented himself in the Hall of Really Really Good. But he hasn’t proven to be great yet. He hasn’t grabbed a team and pulled them. If he has to do that…if he has to duel Kobe Bryant or Carmelo Anthony or Steve Nash, will he step up and do it?

Phoenix Suns
Strengths: Scoring, The Dark Side
The Suns are the Suns. They’re 110 points per game is tops in the league, and the are the best shooting team in basketball. Their offensive efficiency puts a lot of pressure on their opponents to score every time down. They don’t run like they used to, but they can still short-circuit a scoreboard. They’ve been the best team after the All-star break and their new-found bench, nicknamed The Dark Side, has its own identity and has allowed Nash to stay as fresh as he’s ever been. His minutes per game are the lowest they’ve since the ’99-’00 season — his second year in Dallas.

Weaknesses: No go-to guy

The Suns don’t revolve around a player—they revolve around a play. The Nash/Stoudemire pick-and-roll is the most devastating combination in pro basketball. Stoudemire can roll or pop and Nash can shoot, dish or drive. It takes three players to defend it properly, which leaves someone open and Nash with the ball. Sounds great, but the playoffs often revolve around isolations; clearing out and letting your guy create his shot or react to the defense and create one for someone else. The Suns don’t have that, and that’s a problem.

Opportunities: No Roy, Easiest 1st round opponent

The Suns have the easiest first round west of the Mississippi. With Brandon Roy out, the Blazers are lame ducks. Watching them play against the Suns will be like watching Jim Zorn coach against…well, anyone.

Threats: Robin Lopez injury
 Part of the reason for the Suns turnaround after a mid-season slump was the return of Robin Lopez and Gentry’s decision to start him. The Suns rebounding improved along with their interior defense. Lopez will probably give it a go at some point, but if he’s not at least 75%, this isn’t the Suns team that rolled through the second half; but it’s close.

Denver Nuggets

Strengths: Chauncey Billups and Carmelo Anthony

Chauncey Billups should be the runner-up MVP every year he’s in Denver: LeBron, and then the Puff Daddy lookalike. Without Billups, the Nuggets are a bunch of misfits and lame-brains – the great Carmelo Anthony included. Melo is unstoppable. He’ll always give you a chance to win.

Weaknesses: Missing Marcus Camby and inside scoring

The Nuggets haven’t made up for saying good-bye to Marcus Camby. He’s not an inside scorer, but he’s a shotblocker. They’re missing both. Carmelo is their post game and Billups is their perimeter. Sounds good in theory, but that could leave them watching basketball in May.

Opportunities: Laker knowledge, Jazz Edge

The Nuggets played the Lakers in last season’s playoffs. And played them well until Lamar Odom decided he wanted to play in the NBA again. They know the Lakers as well as anyone, so may be able to give them the best battle. They were 3-1 against Utah this season, so there appears to be an edge there.

Threat: The health of George Karl

George Karl is a great coach. His presence on the bench will show late in games. In football, if a team gets blown out, they were outcoached. If they lose a close one, they were outplayed. Basketball is the exact opposite. If the Nuggets get in a close game, they will get outcoached if Karl isn’t holding the markerboard. I wish him well...some things are definitely more important than the playoffs.

Utah Jazz
Strengths: Deron Williams, Coaching

The best point guard in the NBA may be in Utah again. I can’t say that with conviction, but I can say it without getting laughed at. He’s that good and the same can be said of his coach Jerry Sloan. As long as they are both there, the Jazz will be a formidable opponent.

Weaknesses: Kirilenko’s health, no legitimate shooting guard

Name a great point guard who has won an NBA title in the past 10 seasons. Again, I’ll wait. A great point guard is a luxury, not a necessity. In this game, you need a shooting guard or a small forward that can create his own shot. The Jazz lack that. And even if AK-47 is available, he’s not that. But he’s pretty good.

Opportunities: Great home court

The Jazz don’t have home court advantage, but Utah is a tough place to play, so they could hold serve, especially considering the Nuggets’ road mark reads more like a year than the record of a top-4 seed (19-22).

Threats: Boozer’s health

Boozer may play, but that won’t make him right. That’s 20 and 10 that they need to be able to count on. I think the Jazz are a watered down Suns team. A great point guard and power forward combo with niche-filling big men and role-playing wings. But there’s a big drop-off from Jason Richardson and Grant Hill to C.J. Miles and Wesley Matthews. I was surprised to find out his middle name isn’t “Who?”. Google him.

Portland Trailblazers

Strengths: Versatility

They have some good players who can do some good things.

Weaknesses: All over the place

Without Roy, this is like the Jackson 4. Were it a concert, I’d want my money back. Were it a Broadway show, I’d find out the understudy is Jerryd Bayless and still ask for my money back.

Opportunities: Unpredictable, Bayless coming out party?

No one knows what kind of team the Blazers are going to turn into without Brandon Roy around. That could work to their advantage. There’s no film of them. Their sets have to be different. And if Jerryd Bayless wanted an opportunity, this is it. Steve Blake is gone and Roy is out. Forget Martell Webster. If someone is going to make a difference and take step to a career-defining moment, it has to be Bayless.

Threat: Basketball

Everything is a threat when your holes are so big LenDale White could run through them.

San Antonio Spurs

Strengths: Veteran Leadership and coaching, strong finish

I don’t like the Spurs. That’s just being honest. But they do have the veteran presence to win a series that they’re not favored to win.

Weaknesses: Chemistry

Richard Jefferson still hasn’t found a way to become consistently effective alongside Tony Parker. He flourished while Parker was out, but hasn’t shown he can sustain that production when the ball is with Mr. Longoria and not Manu Ginobili. Don’t be surprised if Popovich decides to bring him off the bench or only start him as a symbolic gesture and opt to always play him with Manu.

Opportunities: Familiar foe

The Spurs are familiar with their in-state foes. Familiarity breeds contempt, right? Well, these two teams are too nice for contempt, but familiarity can breed competition. I think that will hold true.

Threats: The brutal west

San Antonio is equipped to mentally make out, but I just don’t think they have the tools to beat 3 teams in this conference.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Strengths: Kevin Durant, speed, athleticism

Durant is good. No one remembers that he could barely benchpress 185lbs. in pre-draft workouts. All we recall from this season is nets swishing. The Thunder have speed to burn. They get from end-to-end faster than any full roster in the league. They don’t use it the same way that, say, Don Nelson would.

Weaknesses: Inexperience, No more surprises, Shooting

OKC doesn’t shoot the ball incredibly well. They also don’t assist well. These are symptoms of a young team. The ball sticks and they can iso a little more than what’s healthy for a winning team. Their offense is middle-of-the-pack, so they rely on defense and Kevin Durant, and unlike early in the season, everyone knows that.

Opportunities: Playing questionable Lakers

The Lakers’ Threat is Okie’s opportunity. If the Lakers are lethargic or unmotivated, Oklahoma could steal one. They may be too young to know they aren’t supposed to have a chance.

Threats: Youth, Laker “on” switch

Or they may be too young to realize how different the playoffs are. The Thunder has played this regular season like the Cavs have played the past two – like every game is a playoff game. You’ll outplay a lot of teams like that…until after tax day. If the Lakers flip the playoff switch, the Thunder will be out like lightening. 

NBA Playoff Team SWOT Analyses - Eastern Conference

In marketing, we do a SWOT Analysis to forecast a company's near future and build a strategy around it. By identifying its Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats, you can use the results to inform an effective marketing plan. So instead of predicting series winner (even though you can tell who I'm picking if you read through), I'm going to analyze each playoff team from a marketing perspective.

Cleveland Cavaliers
Strengths: The Best Player in the World, Health
LeBron James in the best player on the planet. There is no second place. When he’s aggressive, which he almost always is, he makes his team the favorite every time they take the floor. They have their full arsenal and Shaq could actually sit until then need him to push Dwight Howard around a bit.

Weaknesses: Slow and aging big men
Shaq and Ziggy would make a great name of a Saturday morning cartoon, but if a team can get them in sprinting situations, the Cavs will be leaning on Varejo quite a bit.

Opportunities: Home court advantage throughout
It all goes through Cleveland as long as they’re alive.

Threats: The Chicago Bulls, Orlando Magic
The Bulls won’t beat Cleveland. But they are a young, energetic, physical team that can annoy the Cavs long enough to delay their next series. And if they get past the conference semis, they should face the Orlando Magic—who they haven’t proven they can beat. They split with them this season, but there was only one game where both teams were at full strength. The Magic won 101-95 in Orlando.

Orlando Magic
Strengths: Dwight Howard, Ability to score, Depth
Dwight Howard is a beast inside. He allows the perimeter defenders to be aggressive and grabs every rebounder that comes close to him. The Magic can fill it up from behind the arc and have a variety of looks to throw at any team.

Weaknesses: Dwight Howard, Ability to score, Depth
Dwight Howard can’t dominate a game just by throwing it into him and reacting to the defense. He’s limited in the post, which is why Orlando can’t lean on him late in games. They will, however, lean on the 3-ball…which can desert you at any time. Their depth is weird. Van Gundy seems to have weapons, but which one to use at what point in the game still isn’t clear.

Opportunities: Easier road to Finals
The Magic get the Bobcats. I just don’t like Charlotte. The last time I thought they were good, they have Grandmama and were called the Hornets. If all favored teams advance, Orlando gets the Hawks, who I just don’t think are as good as Boston and Joe Johnson isn’t automatically worth 1 win like Dwyane Wade is. The only time they beat Orlando was on a freak play – a game-winning tip dunk in Atlanta. 

Threats: Cleveland Cavaliers, Vince Carter
The Magic are confident they can beat Cleveland, but can’t be convinced. Not since the addition of Jamison. Vince Carter gives Orlando something that almost championship team has had since 1994: a wing player who can score almost at will (the Pistons being the lone exception). Why is he a threat and not a strength? He has to show he can be that guy under playoff lights because Dwight Howard won’t be the one to close out games.

Atlanta Hawks
Strengths: Athleticism, Experienced Youth
The Hawks have athletes. They have speed. They have youth. They have veteran leadership.

Weaknesses: Still doesn’t look like a contender, missing a piece
What they don’t have is an identity. I don’t know what they’re missing, but it’s something.

Opportunities: Playing Bucks without Andrew Bogut
The luckiest team in the playoffs. Playing Milwaukee without Bogut is like getting into an argument with a Nothing to see here, folks.

Threats: Home court advantage doesn’t matter in an empty building
I don’t think the Bucks have a chance without the Aussie. If Atlanta played any other playoff team, I’d pick the other team. The Hawks play in a library 30-35 times a year. Will that change in the playoffs?

Boston Celtics
Strengths: Experience
They’ve been there, done that, seen it all. They know playoff basketball and when the game is on the line Paul Pierce should still make you worry if you’re not wearing green.

Weaknesses: Age, Inconsistency
How many times can I say “old”? That’s led to health issues and what seems like no nights when all of the old guys were playing well at the same time.

Opportunities: They still have some mental edge
They’re old, but they still have some mystique about them. You just have this feeling that, at any point, the old guys can flip a switch and they’ll think it’s 2004.

Threats: Rajon Rondo becoming their best player
If Rondo becomes the Celtics MVP, they’re doomed. He’s often praised for his growth and development, but I think it comes at the detriment of his team. And he’s be afforded the opportunity by their declining stars. If Rondo becomes 1 or 1A, you have to 86 Boston from the conversation.

Miami Heat
Strengths: Dwyane Wade, Road Warriors
This just in: Dwyane Wade is great. He’s worth at least one playoff win. The Heat also excel on the road, where their 23-18 record was only one game worse than their 24-14 record at the Michelin Man arena. Playing in Boston shouldn’t be too tough, but they haven’t beat the Celtics this season.

Weaknesses: No clear second-best player
Michael Beasley? Jermaine O’Neal? Quentin Richardson? It’s like a triumvirate of mediocrity. I could argue that Carlos Arroyo is the second-most important player on the roster, but it would take a lot of Stellas for me to even think the conversation is worth an argument.

Opportunities: May get to dismiss aging Celtics
The Heat are 9-1 in their last 10. The Celtics are 3-7. There are only two times momentum is important: when you’re in a recalled Toyota you haven’t had fixed yet, and sports. The Celtics, as a team, are ripe for the dismantling. If they lose in the first round, you have to tear it down.

Threats: Coaching
I don’t trust Erik Spoelstra to make the right in-game adjustments. Doc Rivers isn’t exactly Greg Popovich or Jerry Sloan, but he has a ring.

Milwaukee Bucks
Strengths: Defense

The Bucks have the 7th best defense in the league and Scott Skiles gets the most out of his players.

Weaknesses: 2 of 3 best players are out and the last is a rookie

Name 5 Milwaukee Bucks. Go ahead, I'll wait. If you can, I'm sorry that you're stuck living in Minneapolis. If you can't, welcome to the majority. Brandon Jennings is going into his first playoff series with John Salmons as his best teammate. Without the Aussie, the Bucks lack punch. They'll fold quickly.

Opportunities: Drew lesser of top teams

If there is a chance, it rests on the fact that they're facing the Atlanta Hawks. Every season has one series that no one wants to watch. If you're looking for this season's...whoop, here it is. I just aged myself. On to the next one...(that was redeeming, right?)

Threats: On the road again

The Bucks were 28-13 at home. Playing at the Bradley Center would have helped. Then again, having a peaking, skilled 7-footer in the mix would have helped, too. As would having a marksman with a hair-trigger release, but Michael Redd hasn't played since Barack Obama had a mini-fro.  Speaking of which...

Charlotte Bobcats
Strengths: Defense
Charlotte holds their opponents to 93.8 points per game, tops in the league. In the playoffs, that’s worth something.

Weaknesses: No superstar
Thumb through the Bobcats pre-game program and the first superstar you find will be on the ownership page. And it’s the only superstar you’ll find. They’re basically a college team – a lot of rented parts and a marquee coach responsible for putting them together.

Opportunities: Larry Brown, Won in Orlando
Larry Brown, as much as I detest watching his teams play, can coach basketball. I would seriously rather watch a Charles Barkley/Martha Stewart sex tape than watch a Brown-coached team. Brownball was good enough to win a game in Orlando this season, so they know they can steal one. I just don’t expect them to.

Threats: Stephen Jackson combustible
If they have a star, and I don’t think they do, but if they do, it’s Stephen Jackson. I’m biased. I think he’s one of the true thugs in the NBA. Knuckleheads don’t lead successful teams. That’s why Chauncey Billups changed the Denver Nuggets. SJax could implode at any moment.

Chicago Bulls
Strengths: Derrick Rose, Play hard
Rose is a star. He’s the next Chauncey Billups, but better. With Noah and Brad Miller in the frontcourt, the Bulls can be a brutal match-up. They’ll always play tough, hard-nosed basketball which makes them a nightmare for a team so favored to win the title. The Cavs should just want to get out of this series in one piece.

Weaknesses: Same old storyline
The above description could have been used for any of the Bulls teams the past three seasons. The fact is, they’ve never proven to be anything more than a slight scare.

Opportunities: Playoffs started a week ago
Chicago is the only team that had to play its way into the postseason. Every game was basically a must-win, so their locker room has had a playoff atmosphere for at least a week. The Cavs have rested and now have to flip a switch. The Bulls’ switch has been on since April Fool’s.

Threats: Off-the-court drama
Del Negro vs. Paxson. The Throwdown in Chi-town. The Windy City Rumble. Couldn’t they have settled it with a three-point shootout? Just get mad and say “shoot for it”. That’s the way we handle it in the hood, unless Tyrell is there…he fights. But Tyrell doesn’t lead a young team. The story about the skirmish between coach and GM couldn’t have broken at a worse time. With some focus, it won’t matter. But it will linger.

Failblazers: Roy to miss playoffs after knee surgery

Dear Brandon Roy,


I'm sorry to hear about your knee. Really. But if you're looking for sympathy, you got the wrong team and fanbase.


Your Trailblazers are matched up against the third-seeded Phoenix Suns. The same Suns who saw Joe Johnson go down for the first 2 games of a Spurs series in 2005 playoffs after smashing his face. The same Suns who lost Amare Stoudemire for an entire season after signing a max contract and then opting for microfracture surgery (and he hasn't been the same since). 


The same Suns who may have seen a ring tumble down the drain as Steve Nash was hip-checked into the scorer's table, leading Stoudemire and Boris Diaw off the bench and onto the couch for the next game. That series of unfortunate events cost the Suns the home court advantage they could have used to dismiss the eventual-champion Spurs. 

Roy to have surgery, miss playoffs >


And if you want to go way waaaaay back, it's the same Suns who lost Danny Manning to a knee injury in the 1993-94 season, watched Tom Gugliotta succumb to a knee injury soon after signing a major contract and just before missing Jason Kidd for a spell of the playoffs in 2000, only to have Anfernee Hardaway disintegrate the off-season after a beautiful playoff performance.


Needless to say, Phoenix has experienced its fair share of heartache, so don't expect the Sun to shine on the Trailblazers when they come to town. This is a team, city and franchise that should have the heart of a Republican. 


We may be witnessing the passing of the Bad Luck Torch. The Trailblazers have found themselves patching things together every season. This year's addition to the quilt is Marcus Camby (and boy do the Nuggets still miss him), who you were lucky enough to acquire in a trade after losing Greg Oden AGAIN, and Joel Pryzbilla. 


It didn't come at a cheap price, though. Travis Outlaw's versatility and athleticism have been noticeably absent. There's a vertical aspect of the game that Martell Webster--a gifted athlete in his own right--just can't match. 


Rudy Fernandez hasn't been in rhythm because of his injuries, and now you. No team is happier about the Blazer misfortunes than the Lakers, who you've always managed to handle.


Opting for surgery is the right decision. Come back next season stronger. All of your centers will be back, except Camby, who was unhappy about the trade. You have a great cap situation (even after you sign your deal), a good coach, and youth. And it's not like you were going to get a ring this season. 


I don't mean to Kanye West you, but the teams ahead of you in the standings are just better *shrug*. Including the one in purple and orange. They can truly feel your knee pain. But, to borrow from Kanye again, they have every reason to be heartless.


Signed, 
A Biased Blogger


P.S. If you ever get invited to one of those pick-up games at the White House, let me know. I'm looking for Barack. He can do whatever he wants to the nuclear program, my game will still be explosive.  

David Stern Playoff Conference Call

Dear Commissioner Stern,

I caught your call today. Let's go over some of the things you said:

• Scoring in the league is as high as it's been since 1994.

• You don't expect the Nuggets to be sold.

• The Bradley Center, where the Bucks play, is on its last leg. But the Bucks shouldn't think about that yet because they need to find a way to fill it up before they should have that conversation.

• Local ownership is helpful and constructive, but not necessary for success.

• You like what's going on in and with Oklahoma City, including the arena plans.

• You think you're going to have a discussion with owners about sitting star players in meaningless games.

• You'll be talking to the Bulls about what happened with their coach and GM to get an understanding about the incident, and the league has a past of taking some kind disciplinary action, but you need more understanding.

• Are executives held to the same standard as the players? At LEAST as high.

• Teams and owners are on their way to spending the league into oblivion. We need a better business model and we'll address it in the CBA.

• You're hoping the leagues' and teams' financial losses will not be as high as projected, but the salary cap will probably drop. Teams have been resourceful enough that it's possible the losses will not be as large as projected.

Corporate water cooler laugh. The End.

So now it's time to ask the questions I really want to know the answers to:

• Have you picked this year's championship winner yet? I'm only 90% sure that you don't know, and that 10% — we'll call it the Donaghy Ten — has always worried me when I see preferential treatment in officiating. What are you doing to make sure Jamal Crawford will be treated the same as Kobe Bryant in the eyes of the referees?

• The league is watered down. There are too many teams, not enough players, and some cities that just shouldn't have a team, do. Would the league ever contract — for the benefit of the remaining owners and the quality of the game?

• Why do I think it's watered down? Look at the coming off-season. There will be many teams with a lot of cap room, but not enough players to spend that money on. Every season, some role players on good-to-great teams get signed to big (bad) contracts by teams who need to appease a fanbase. As a result, one team is 2 wins better, and the other team is left half playing a lower level of basketball. See: Posey, James and Turkoglu, Hedo.

• Do you think an NBA team will ever win a World Championship WITHOUT paying a luxury tax? As you know, that's related to the above issue. Ask me how. If a team doesn't win without paying the tax, will the tax ever be raised? Or is the tax less of a punishment and more of a league revenue generator? I know that the money is pooled and redistributed to the teams who didn't pay a tax, but doesn't that encourage mediocrity just as much as it does financial responsibility?

• And, finally, who do you think would win a game of 1-on-1 between myself and Brick Obama?

We all know the answer to that one Mr. Stern...no need to belabor the point. I'm you and he's Bud Selig. I'm Kobe and he's Jamal Crawford. I just called myself Kobe...I have to end this letter while I work on my seemingly dropping self-esteem.

30 Seconds of Sick: Tiger's Kitten Eyes Fail

Dear Nike, I saw the thirty-second Tiger Woods spot. The one where he stands there looking like a deer in the golf cart lights. It's causing mixed reactions, but rest assured, my reaction wasn't mixed with anything. Well, maybe a little vodka, but who's counting?

I never thought I'd see one of the most recognizable brands in the world resort to such measures. You stuck it out with Tiger. Great. We would have figured that out when we saw the swoosh on his hat at the Masters. That swoosh is the most universally recognizable symbol not called a "cross." So why, on God's greens, would it follow such a distasteful 30 seconds of film?

Watch The Commercial


I've heard of trainwreck television. The Bobby Brown Show. Knicks vs. Nets. Celebrity Fit Club. Or Rehab. Or Apprentice. Basically anything with "Celebrity" in the title. But, to my knowledge, this is the first ever example of trainwreck advertising. So I guess you made history.

As I watched it on YouTube (I hope that's the only place it's running), a golf ball formed in my stomach. Let me get this straight. You're channeling the voice of Tiger's dead father, as if it's running through his head, and forcing me to look Tiger Woods in the eye for half a minute? I'm sorry, but this (advertising) is my profession. My craft. I learned long ago that good advertising has a concept, entertains, and creates a relatable impression in the mind of the consumer. The brand becomes synonymous with a feeling, lifestyle, situation or solution. You went 0-for.

This commercial doesn't make me want to buy shoes. Or forgive Tiger Woods — not that I have to, he's a golfer, not the Pope...I think he should get as much nookie as he wants and wear any of his 4 green jackets while doing it. It just made me uncomfortable. I don't want to be that close to anyone's thoughts...not even the greatest golfer ever.

It was just bad and unnecessary. When was an apology ever insufficient? No ouija-board-esque black-and-white commercial will say "I made a mistake" like "I made a mistake." No 30-second spot will restore more admiration and help anyone move on faster than another major championship. And you have nothing to do with that. You should have just waited for that moment and saved your media dollars for the day after the win. The time would have been ripe for you to make a different 30. Something that I would have pitched like this:

"Open on footage of Tiger's final putt. He takes his hat off, tips it to the crowd. Fade to black. We hear quiet applause and commentary. A super comes up that reads simply, in white type:

'He's back.'

Fade to black. Fade in white swoosh. Fade to black."

The End. And the beginning. All in one. That's a feel-good moment for the people who loved Tiger before. A feeling of triumph. Of rebirth. That's what should be associated with Nike. Not voices from beyond and puppy-dog eyes. Nike is not a brand of defeat. But it is now the brand of trainwreck advertising.

And for Obama: You might as well appoint yourself to replace Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. After I wear you out, you gon' be spending a lotta time on the bench.

I'm Calling You Out, Mr. President

Dear Barack Obama, I hear you're an avid basketball player. The bowling alley in the White House has been replaced by a basketball court that only a select few will ever see. I want to be one of the few. The proud. The White House ballers.

When you’re the Head of State it’s got to be easy to play. No one’s going to rough you up or intentionally foul you. Not with the Secret Service sitting over there. No one’s going to pick you last or run it back when you got next. When you’re the Prez, you can always run it back because it’s your court.

But screw all that. I. Want. You. Barack. 1-on-1. Man-to-man. Constituent-to-representative. You might have an advantage in the Oval Office or on the campaign trail, but when you step inside of the 94-foot box, you are the underdog. You're underprivileged. You are the tired, the poor, the huddled mass ready to suffer defeat. This is a challenge.

This challenge is representative of something greater. I challenge you, President Obama, to meet the demands of the office. To satisfy the needs of the people and be able to distinguish them from the wants of a party. I challenge you to rise above the criticism of left and right wings and do what you feel is right.

I challenge you to meet me, a young black man, at center court. To shake my hand and tell me that after you finish your high-stakes game, I’ll be able to take you on. To surpass your feats because the magnitudes of your accomplishments taught an entire nation that ethnicity is not a measuring stick by which one’s potential can be gauged. I challenge you, President Obama, to be able to hand me the ball having made the game easier for me because you played it so well.

So, yes, I’m very Pro-bama. But when the time comes, it’s me and you, Mr. President. And I got next.

Now, random trash-talking from the constituent who’s going to break the First Ankles. A shot for every year I hope you're in office:

1. Boy, I’m glad we vote in this country, because if Obama woulda had to shoot for it, McCain would be in office, stiff shoulder and all. You know white people can shoot free throws.

2. The last time Barack made a jumper, Michelle was wearing legwarmers and a Salt-N-Pepa weave.

3. Call me “The Republican” because I’m about to block EVERYTHING.

4. Barack’s crossover is so slow I thought it went through Congress.

5. Barack’s game is so ugly we nicknamed it “Precious.”

6. How bad is Obama’s defense? The last thing Sarah Palin ever said to him was “You got Levi.”

7. When Barack got elected it changed the whole system. Instead of “checks and balances” it became “self-checks and balances.”

8. Obama doesn’t get “and 1s”. He gets “minus 1s”.