30 Seconds of Sick: Tiger's Kitten Eyes Fail

Dear Nike, I saw the thirty-second Tiger Woods spot. The one where he stands there looking like a deer in the golf cart lights. It's causing mixed reactions, but rest assured, my reaction wasn't mixed with anything. Well, maybe a little vodka, but who's counting?

I never thought I'd see one of the most recognizable brands in the world resort to such measures. You stuck it out with Tiger. Great. We would have figured that out when we saw the swoosh on his hat at the Masters. That swoosh is the most universally recognizable symbol not called a "cross." So why, on God's greens, would it follow such a distasteful 30 seconds of film?

Watch The Commercial


I've heard of trainwreck television. The Bobby Brown Show. Knicks vs. Nets. Celebrity Fit Club. Or Rehab. Or Apprentice. Basically anything with "Celebrity" in the title. But, to my knowledge, this is the first ever example of trainwreck advertising. So I guess you made history.

As I watched it on YouTube (I hope that's the only place it's running), a golf ball formed in my stomach. Let me get this straight. You're channeling the voice of Tiger's dead father, as if it's running through his head, and forcing me to look Tiger Woods in the eye for half a minute? I'm sorry, but this (advertising) is my profession. My craft. I learned long ago that good advertising has a concept, entertains, and creates a relatable impression in the mind of the consumer. The brand becomes synonymous with a feeling, lifestyle, situation or solution. You went 0-for.

This commercial doesn't make me want to buy shoes. Or forgive Tiger Woods — not that I have to, he's a golfer, not the Pope...I think he should get as much nookie as he wants and wear any of his 4 green jackets while doing it. It just made me uncomfortable. I don't want to be that close to anyone's thoughts...not even the greatest golfer ever.

It was just bad and unnecessary. When was an apology ever insufficient? No ouija-board-esque black-and-white commercial will say "I made a mistake" like "I made a mistake." No 30-second spot will restore more admiration and help anyone move on faster than another major championship. And you have nothing to do with that. You should have just waited for that moment and saved your media dollars for the day after the win. The time would have been ripe for you to make a different 30. Something that I would have pitched like this:

"Open on footage of Tiger's final putt. He takes his hat off, tips it to the crowd. Fade to black. We hear quiet applause and commentary. A super comes up that reads simply, in white type:

'He's back.'

Fade to black. Fade in white swoosh. Fade to black."

The End. And the beginning. All in one. That's a feel-good moment for the people who loved Tiger before. A feeling of triumph. Of rebirth. That's what should be associated with Nike. Not voices from beyond and puppy-dog eyes. Nike is not a brand of defeat. But it is now the brand of trainwreck advertising.

And for Obama: You might as well appoint yourself to replace Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. After I wear you out, you gon' be spending a lotta time on the bench.